The Dance Inside
So where to go from here? It’s been shown that the non-essential sticker has been laid and that pivoting is the only option. Where to then ol’ sport? I whisper as distant Leo Dicaprio smiles in my head all Gatsby-like. This is my inner thought process and it is one of a thousand per day. How can I take my life to the next level, move into my own spot and just own the hell out of life? Where does the wanting end and the living begin? I know countless of us battle these thoughts, even if we never admit it aloud. The endless options of what to do, who to be and where to go from here are almost as daunting to me now at 33 as they were at 18. That precious age filled with hormones and so much change, yet society would deem us fit to decide immense life altering options. I today sit without huge debt, assets or children so please apply this filter when I speak of it being daunting.
The "thirtysomething curse", so to speak!! (Aka incredibly blessed, in my own right)
I’m sure many of us only wish our schooling system was more capable of honing in on our true skills. That it played to the same tune of what you uniquely were great at. Imagine that eh?
I know teacher friends, I know and I truly commend each one of your souls. So I won’t lay this unfair blame on our archaic schooling systems because as evidence shows, the efforts, or lack thereof have always been my own.
I was a lazy kid. Sports were not my forte and neither was the gym. I have slowly grown as an adult to teach myself how to love physical fitness and most of that came from reading about the variety of ways that health can be obtained without always pumping it up at the gym.
One vast discovery for me was that moving my body directly correlated with my moods - fancy that!?! - how I wish I knew that as a hormonal teenager! Even to this day when I’m frustrated beyond belief there isn’t a walk, run or good round of cardio that can’t solve that thinking issue.
Seriously, get off your butt each and every day if you’d like to keep said butt and stop thinking so much (note to self). You’re magnificently designed to be an avid thinker so don’t forget to stop and enjoy the moment too.
For truly this is who I am, a deep thinking, high-functioning, slightly OCD, inner foodie whose love and passion in life is helping other people, getting outside daily and artistic performance. There! I summed it up! For growth’s sake, this is where I’m at right now and truly what I’d love to do everyday. Lift other people up, encourage them to seek the best within themselves and to perform, in some creative aspect, for the masses. Whether that’s on stage, doing speeches or acting and dancing in shows. I love to be an artist and to constantly help others learn and create!
Which is pretty damn coincidental considering I did almost complete schooling to become a teacher. If only then I knew I’d have to do it in my own right (as per typical me) and all at my own pace. There is definitely no forcing me to be anything and anyone who knows me is aware that I dislike being told what to do.
I am that ever dominant female energy that puts weaker vibes to shame. I won’t stand for being walked on and I can certainly speak up for others too when I feel they’re being mistreated. I’ve learned now to listen more and accept what those around me have to say, but I’ll admit I’m still working on not getting my back up when something is said that I dislike. Three words: perspective is everything.
The background of my mothering-style character comes from being the eldest sibling of 4 and probably always having to lend a hand in my family dynamic. Being told what to do was my reality for years and it usually involved the care of others. Yet every summer, between everyday life and with a Dad on the east coast, I got to solo adventure out of Ontario and into Newfoundland and Nova Scotia to craft an adventure all my own. Every summer as a kid to late teen spent building my heart on the east coast, if even for a short trip. I am thankful for this opportunity and I mention it because I believe it gave me a dynamic as a human to help me be comfortable being away from home, to be that independent kid - that ever dreaming social butterfly who truly was able to come into her own.
Adventure lives in my blood and it is the part of me that screams in frustration when I am not living out my true passion and am told I need to be locked away. Like I still have a very hard time believing that we are actually living in this quarantine life and that experiencing a shut down world will never ever in our lifetime be forgotten. It blows my mind the same today as it did in March 2020 and I work hard to be wise not to forget this every single time I step outside my door.
We cannot return to “normal”. We should not. We really sucked at it anyway!
These qualities sum me up, so then what the hell is the point eh?
For this blog to be a composition of my future biography handwritten by the one and only me? I wish!
Or! Is it for me to cast some foresight into your brain? To help you understand how to use a bit more of what you see fit inside yourself to propel your action into something a little different each day.
Rome definitely wasn’t built in a day and hey honey - neither was I! (Ps: I have sooooo much further to go right now it's not even funny!) Stay humble ok?
That is part of the reason why this blog has started. To be a footstep in the right direction where I can bank my imminent thoughts and push them out into the world in hopes one day they might come back. In aspiration that my words might one day ring something true inside one of you and help you overcome something you battle.
This desire, this dream is all I have for my achievement. That I might leave a wee bit of legacy behind that shows us all how important it is to care. Mostly about yourself first and foremost and then secondly to bash that barrier in others and see them just as you see yourself, no different than your own.
Each day you wake up is a new chance to do it all right. To switch one action into something different and to move that little step more in a productive direction.
We have been brought here to love. Nothing more, nothing less. To be the best version of you is that love I speak of, in it’s own pure right. I promise you hate will exist still to balance that wave, but your engagement in it doesn’t need to. Happiness is what you seek and it always starts inside you. If you fail to grasp perspective on how this could be so, imagine everything you desire to be.
If you could be that one thing no matter what and no failure exists, what would it be? Whatever that may be imagine that being right now inside your head, that self made best version of you - that image! And now picture it being stuffed inside a box to suffocate every time you deny its purpose.
No air to breathe, no place to move. Would you not fight back?
That inner being screams to get out via stress, emotion, anxiety, depression, addiction, denial and irrational thinking. Do you experience this? Any of it?
It's the part of us that leaves you empty in darkness when life is inherently so full. It's that inner battle between this bright side and dark side and we are all living with it. Whatever side you feed will most surely grow. Like that Old Cherokee story about the two wolves. It only takes a little time to gain the awareness for yourself of the two that live in you and just how deep your brain really goes. Observe your thinking more and notice the bad things less. You aren’t everything you think about and I promise you, you are so capable of being this effervescent version of you.
My place has been set at the table of life and it took me over 30 years to pick up that fork and eat from the damn plate already. Are you dangling off the side of life’s chair making everything more difficult for yourself? Or are you seated straight back and staring at the bounty, reveling in all you’ve got right now and in this moment. Diving into the best version of myself, being my own personal badass and all that I can be is my steadfast concentration, even when the shit hits the fan and steals my joy.
Now reveling in the little things is not so easy when you’re flat broke and optionless, I know! But do your eyes still see the sun and do your lungs still breathe the air? There is something for everyone every single day, I guarantee you that. It just takes practice not to be blind to it and see the world around you with eyes wide open, to dance among your stars. If today was the dress rehearsal for the rest of your life what would you do differently to ensure the best show goes on?
"Wherever you are, give the place the justice it deserves."
Matthew McConaughey, Greenlights
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